


Tyler in tears on the tiles

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [13]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Hallucinations, M/M, Mental Illness, Mourning, OCD, Panic Attacks, Rituals, Schizoaffective Disorder, Self Harm, mental health, widower
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-05
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-29 02:39:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8472346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will Lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will Lose First let's discuss the timeline - this takes between Chapter 38 and 39 of Fear Will Lose, before Baby Guitar and has a reference to Milk & Rooftops. 2 years after Josh's death, Tyler has started living alone for the first time; but with isolation comes problems, and Tyler's coping methods aren't the healthiest.





	

As Tyler carefully watched the hallucination, which was looking out his apartment window, he cautiously walked over to where he had left his phone. He only looked down at the device when he really had to, not trusting the false image to stay where he could see it. With shaking hands, he texted the word 'Blurryface' to his mom. Tyler took a deep breath and reminded himself that she'd be there in 15 minutes, he just needed to keep himself safe for that long.

After putting his phone down on the coffee table in his living room, he sat down on the couch again and took controlled breaths as the red headed hallucination continued to look out the window at Columbus at night.

 _"You remember when we used to go up that multi-storey parking lot and watch the lights together all the time? We used to sit on the edge, or in my old Chevy when it was too cold,"_ 'Josh' said, turning his head over his shoulder to look at Tyler. Tyler didn't reply, but foolishly made eye contact which he was then unable to break.

 _"Shame really, wasting a good opportunity like that,"_ the hallucination continued, strolling away from the window and casually pacing in front of Tyler. _"I mean we both know that it was high enough to get the job done. Coulda saved yourself a whoooole lotta bother,"_  
"My marriage to my husband wasn't any bother at all," Tyler sighed, deciding it was okay to talk until his mom arrived.

 _"Whatever happened to my old Chevy anyway?"_  
"Josh's got written off and crushed for recycling after the crash,"  
"And you believe that?"  
"Yes," he nodded firmly.  
_"Did you see it?"_  
"I didn't need to."  
 _"How can you trust a word they say? They're lying to you Tyler,"_  
"Oh are they now," the hallucinating man sighed doubtfully.  
_"They say I died in a car crash, but did anyone see the crash happen? Did they let you see the car? See the place where it happened? See my body? It's a bit suspicious, don't you think? Tyler they're taking advantage of your naïveté, you have to be able to see that."_  
"Don't use first person pronouns pleeaase," Tyler sang tunefully, knowing he definitely looked insane but also knowing that showing he wasn't afraid was a coping strategy that was working well for him at the moment.

 _"Peanut,"_ 'Josh' called Tyler his pet name, and Tyler's heart sank a little. A sensitive spot.  
"Don't,"  
_"Peanut peanut peanut,"_  
"Alright fine, be like that. Time for me to do some counting I think," Tyler said, leaning forwards and standing up.

  
Tyler walked out of the living room, but of course the hallucination stuck with him, and went into his bedroom. He opened the drawer of his bedside cupboard and took out his tin of 120 dice. The small cubes rattled against the metal as Tyler walked back through his apartment and into his kitchen.

The dice had been a present he bought himself a couple of months ago out of a combination of both compulsion and also pure boredom. Despite being a random purchase, they turned out to be a great distraction for him.

Tyler sat down on the floor of his kitchen, fairly confident it was clean because he had mopped it thrice already that day. Regardless, he still put down a few pieces of kitchen roll to sit on just for safe keeping. Then he set down the square tin and popped off its lid.

He liked to sort them, to sort and count and arrange them. It was hard to explain to other people, but he found it strangely soothing. Unlike compulsions, he didn't hear that voice saying something horrific would happen if he didn't sort them. Instead it just felt good, a sense of calm and ease would fall over him when he looked at all the pretty arranging he had done. 120 dice was a multiple of 4 so that felt good, and he'd make sure the side with 4 dots faced upwards because that felt good too. Plus for additional pleasing aesthetics he'd use the lines of the tiles on the kitchen floor to make sure all the lines were straight and parallel, and he'd collect each group of dice in rows of 4.

 _"The heck you doing that for?"_ 'Josh' asked as Tyler took out his first handful of 4 and started to lay them out on the floor in front of him.  
"I enjoy it,"  
_"This is why you've got no friends Tyler, your idea of fun is fucking about with dice on your kitchen floor,"_  
"No swearing in my home please,"

 _"Is it weird? Having literally zero friends?"_  
"I've got Zack,"  
"He's your brother, not your friend,"  
"Well sometimes he takes me out with his friends, like we went to the Cavs game together 4 weeks ago,"  
_"And you fucked it up,"_  
"It's not my fault they lost," Tyler told the hallucination as he continued to put out the little cubes.  
_"I'm talking about the panic attack you fucking idiot,"_  
"The crowd was really big Jo-, you're not him," he said, stumbling as he accidentally called the vision his late husband's name.

 _"You messed it all up Tyler,"_  
"Didn't,"  
"Zack hates you, you embarrassed him,"  
"Zack's used to dealing with my panic, he doesn't mind,"  
_"Not in front of his work colleagues he's not, they all know how fucked up you are now, what if it runs in the family? They'll know Zack's fucked up now. They won't want somebody as disgusting as you working for their company so they'll fire him. If he can't go to work because of you, how is he going to feed his family? He has a two year old son Tyler, you selfish fuck, Ben is going to starve now you realise. Why do you always do this to people? You always kill people and-"_  
"I'm not even listening to you anymore, it's sorta pathetic," Tyler informed the shouting hallucination of Josh, continuing to put out and turn and group the cubes.

 _"Alright Tyler, refuse to believe the worst case scenarios, I get that. Sorry, uh, can I help at all?"_ 'Josh' calmed down, sitting next to Tyler on the floor.  
"Well considering you're not real and can't move things, I'm gonna say no,"  
_"That hurt my feelings,"_  
"Well it's true,"  
_"Just because I died doesn't mean I'm not real. You can't pretend I don't exist. We were married Tyler, you loved me and I loved you - or doesn't that count for anything?"_  
"I still love Josh," Tyler told him, stopping sorting.  
_"I love you too,"_  
"You're not him, he's gone."  
" _I'm right here Peanut, and I'm worried about you,"_  
"Don't," Tyler warned, knowing it was beginning to get to him.

 _"Don't what sweetheart? Don't be worried? Ty you know it doesn't work like that babe, I can't just turn it off, I love you too much to let anything happen. Or do you mean don't talk? Because if you're tired and need peace and quiet then I'll hold you till you fall asleep,"_  
"You can't, please, just leave me alone,"  
"See this is why I'm worried Tyler, you're always alone. Sweetheart you need to start talking to people again,"  
"I do talk to people,"  
_"People other than your family,"_  
"I don't want to, I don't need other people,"

 _"Why don't you go back to work? Make work friends, like Zack. That way you can do things with them like he does, rather than sitting here all by yourself every day,"_  
"I can't,"  
_"Yeah you can Ty, you're so much braver than you think you are,"_  
"No, I failed the mental health assessment, I'm not fit to be in the workplace," Tyler told his late husband, still fiddling with the dice in his hand rather than putting them down.

 _"You know you can reapply every 6 months, so you've only got to wait another 2. Tyler you need to be getting ready for it babe,"_  
"I like my life how it is."  
_"Sweetheart, you've got to want more than this. I mean you're 27-"_  
"29,"  
" _29 and you never leave the house alone, you've got no friends, no job, no plan-"_  
"No reason to wake up in the morning, that's what you mean right? That's what you're saying?"  
_"I mean yeah I guess,"_

"What do I do Josh? I don't know what else I can try,"  
_"Well there's always one thing. Join me?"_  
"No,"  
_"I miss you Ty,"_  
"You're in my head," Tyler said, wiping a stray tear and shaking his head before hunching back over and beginning to sort the dice again.

_"Tyler I'm lonely. I'm all alone up there, and you're all alone down here. We're supposed to be together, we were made for each other, that's what people always said. Please baby, I miss you, I want to be with you and I want you here with me,"_

  
"Tyler! It's Mom! Dad and Mom are here baby. Where are you?" Tyler heard a voice call from the hall after the front door opened. _  
"I'll wait for you sweetie,"_ 'Josh' said, standing up from the floor and carefully stepping over Tyler's dice rows then walking out of the room.

A few seconds later Kelly walked into the kitchen to find Tyler in tears on the tiles.  
"Baby, baby it's okay, Momma's here, come on," she said softly, sitting down next to him. "Can you tell me who's here baby?"  
"Just us," Tyler lied.  
"Did they tell you to say that? Did Josh tell you to say that?" She asked gently.  
"No, there's no one Mom. I just had harming urges, that's why I asked you here," he continued to lie.  
"Okay baby, well you did the right thing Ty, well done sweetheart. Did you slip up at all? Anything you need to show me?"  
"No,"  
"Good boy," the mother sighed both proudly and with relief, wrapping an arm around Tyler and pulling his head onto her shoulder.

"Mom, where's Dad?"  
"He's doing your checks sweetheart," Kelly whispered against his hair.

One of the many conditions under which Tyler was allowed to live alone was that his parents would check his apartment every time they visited. They checked everything. They'd search every single nook and cranny of every single room for anything he could use to hurt himself, almost always finding something to confiscate. Most often Tyler genuinely didn't mean to keep it, such as a paper clip which the doctors always put on his mail, but very very occasionally they did stumble upon an intentionally hidden tool.

As well as that, they'd check everything else too. Check his wallet to see if he had been spending the money they gave him. Check how much was in his bathroom bottles to make sure he had been showering and taking care of his hygiene. Check the food in his fridge to make sure he was eating healthily. Check the trash to ensure he wasn't hiding anything. Check the number of elastic bands was the same as he was allowed - 3 in his drawer and 1 on his wrist, a rule they had set after Tyler admitted thinking about putting hundreds of bands around his throat. Check the number of bandaids in his first aid kit. Check the number of bottles of purell and cleaning products in the cupboard. You name it, they checked it.

And although Tyler knew in his heart it was for the best, he hated it. Especially on a day like today when he has stayed up until 4am making sure that all his books were lined up perfectly on his bookcase, and now his dad would be messing them all up and shaking them open to check for things and making them all wrong wrong wrong wrong.

He knew he needed it, but knowing that their hands had been all over his clean surfaces, contaminating them, made him so upset to the point where it physically hurt him. They were trying to help but they were undoing all his hard work and he would just have to stay up and do it all again, he couldn't sleep in a flat they had ruined. He cried harder at the thought of all the effort and time he would have to put in once they left despite how exhausted he was.

"Tyler sweetheart, have you stopped sorting the dice on a certain number on purpose? Or do you want to carry on and do the rest?" Kelly asked, stroking his arm and bringing him back down to earth again. Without answering, he shakily grabbed the box and began to put them out again through blurred vision.

 

A while later, Tyler didn't know how long, Chris joined them in the kitchen. Tyler had finished the 120 dice, so had carefully put them back in the tin then began to lay them out all over again. His dad watched him for a moment before remembering that he has entered the room for a purpose.

"Alright, Tyler, I've found a few things I want to talk about okay?" The older man said, sitting down of the floor with a groan opposite his crying son and comforting wife.  
"Ty I counted the matches in the matchbox in your room and you're missing one, what happened?"  
"Candle," Tyler muttered, still trying to calm himself down by lining up his dice.  
"You lit a candle? Where did you get a candle from?"  
"No. It was the candle. I used the match like a small candle,"  
"Oh okay," Chris sighed doubtfully.  
"Was it for Josh baby?" Kelly asked and Tyler nodded. "That's really nice of you sweetheart,"  
"But I just want check for burns, so once I've finished I want you to quickly roll your shorts up and take your hoodie off for me." Chris added  
"Fine,"

"Thank you Tyler, okay next I found a staple in your newest hospital report so I've taken that. And then the last thing so far is you're missing $10 from your wallet, did you go down to the shops?"  
"No," Tyler shook his head truthfully.  
"Where is it then baby?" His mom asked, rubbing his back as he sorted the cubes.  
"Trash. It was too crumpled,"  
"Oh Ty baby, don't throw away money okay? If it's crumpled then you can put it under a heavy book to flatten it, or ask Dad or me to swap it, just don't throw it away please. But don't worry it's okay this time, we'll give you another one,"  
"Thank you," Tyler said, despite knowing that he was never going to use the new note because he never used money because it was dirty. It was dirty and he didn't need it, he'd just stay in his safe apartment and away from all the dirty opportunities of exchanging it. His mom always took him grocery shopping, so she would sacrifice herself for him and touch the dirty dirty paper, but he never would. Never.

"Alright, I'm just going to check the kitchen and then we can take you home,"  
"I am home,"  
"Back home with Mom and me,"  
"Is that what you want baby? To come to our house?" Kelly asked.  
"No," Tyler replied, they couldn't take him away, couldn't leave his apartment in such a state, how would he ever come back? No. Deal with the mess sooner rather than later, fix the problems, make everything better.  
"No? That's okay, if you'd feel more comfortable here then that's just fine baby, but which safety plan are you going to use?" She continued, but Tyler didn't know how to answer because they were all painfully horrid.

"Kell sweetheart, why don't you two go next door and calm down a bit and make an arrangement for tonight whilst I check the kitchen?" Dad suggested.  
"Don't touch my dice, don't touch them, Dad don't touch them-"  
"Tyler I won't touch them I promise." He interrupted, so Tyler abruptly walked out, knowing that he wouldn't be able to handle watching his father tear apart his perfect kitchen.

  
Kelly and Tyler had barely settled on the couch in the living room when Chris entered, holding a six pack ring of beer.  
"Tyler? Wanna tell me what on earth you were thinking?" He asked a little cross, holding up the drinks.  
"Not mine," he murmured in response.  
"Baby it's okay, you're not in trouble, did somebody tell you to buy them?" Kelly added, stroking his hair and making his skin crawl.  
"Not everything I do is psychotic Mom, I'm keeping them in my fridge because Zack brought them when he was babysitting me last week." Tyler told them truthfully.  
"Zack?! I swear that kid is missing half his fucking brain," Chris muttered angrily as he walked back out of the room. Tyler flinched at the swear, then flinched again as he heard his dad open a can and pour it down the kitchen sink. Tyler's nice pure kitchen sink. Tyler's kitchen sink that would need bleaching again now.

"Baby, baby don't cry it's okay,"  
"Itsnot," he sobbed.  
"How come baby? Can you tell me who or what's saying it's not?" She asked but Tyler couldn't open his mouth. "Sweetheart I'm sorry, but we just can't let you have alcohol in your house. It's not good for you baby, you know that, it's not good for you. I don't know if you remember but before your first admission you got really reliant on it baby and it did bad things to your thoughts. Things are hard enough as it, I don't think we want to add fighting addiction to the list. And with all your medication, it's just not a good idea sweetheart - do you understand?"

"My sink," Tyler quivered.  
"Oh, it's not the alcohol is it? It's the sink," she realised, and Tyler nodded tearfully. "We'll clean it together I promise, we'll clean everything that Dad and I made bad, will that help?"  
"I have to do it,"  
"You can watch and check I'm doing everything right, but baby you need to trust other people with jobs because you need to get some sleep tonight. You look exhausted, when did you sleep last night?"  
"4 till 6,"  
"Cleaning till 4? Baby this has to stop, it has to."  
"I'm fine,"  
"You're not," she told him, running her hand through his hair. "Dad and I will stay here tonight in the guest room, and we'll clean a couple of things tonight then finish the rest tomorrow,"  
"I need to do it tonight,"  
"We can do as many as we can before bedtime,"  
"No Mom, I need to do it tonight,"

 

  
Once Tyler was convinced his parents had finally fallen asleep, he climbed back out of his bed Kelly had tucked him in and walked straight over to the drawers in the corner. He immediately threw off the pyjamas she had forced him into and got changed into his sorting clothes, the safe ones.

With a shaky sigh, he walked over to bookcase on the other side of his room. His vision had already become blurry with tears as he mentally listed all the jobs he still had to do before he could sleep. But he rubbed them away and put down his clean bookcase-sorting rug before kneeling on it and taking every single book off the case to begin his nightly rearrange.

 _"Ty sweetie, don't leave the Lee Child books so close to The Pilgrim's Progress,"_ 'Josh' reminded him, sitting down opposite the growing pile of books.  
"Oh yeah, sorry," Tyler said, wiping his cheeks and moving the books, then smiling sadly at his husband. "Thank you for waiting for me,"  
_"Well I did promise,"_ he smiled back. _"We've got lots to do tonight, I reckon it's gonna be another late one,"_  
"It's okay, just means we get more time together,"  
_"Love you peanut,"_  
"I love you too,"

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm all settled in to my real life Campbell and so far so good. Things are obviously hard but I'm focused on getting back home by the end of the month and I'm determined to achieve that. Been writing a little but not a lot, so I'm sorry about the slow updates. Anyway, hope you enjoyed xx


End file.
